Sunday, June 9, 2013

Catch up and Leave Behind

A lot has happened since I last said anything here. I'd started this blog when I began my Architecture course 5 years ago. Lo and Behold, I'm almost an Architect now. Well, a few months more and it'll be official, meaning the degree will say it. I knew it approximately one and a half years ago in my heart.
Anyway, past few months have been quite eventful, there's change everywhere around me, inside and outside. Since I started working out at the gym, its like I've had a new lease on life. It makes me feel absolutely wonderful, outside and more importantly inside. I feel powerful, an individual who has the power to change her life. 
All the work that happened last year was a positive outcome of this change. More importantly, the change in state of mind. My association with the people around me has reached another level of intimacy, it feels like my life was dormant up until this point and all I was doing was chasing dead ends but now there's this thing, feels like life has burst into my head and it's all so very real and so very beautiful.
The thesis was like a force feeding off me and at times I was feeding of its force. My work, my guide's faith and the will of the project itself led to some very convincing life-altering revelations about what kind of Architect I want to be. The marks were never my concern. All the learning definitely was, and I'm so very satisfied with all my take-aways. Some revelations about myself were alarming but as somebody very wise said to me, "Your personality is impermanent." Which means, there's always room to change, to change yourself and more importantly to change your mind.
I will probably upload some of my favorite stuff from the thesis research. I wish I could keep telling everyone I meet about it and never stop talking, just go on and on and let more ideas be born out of the ones in my head, but the constraints of time and lack of ones to pay attention or understand cut short such mad dreams.
And currently, the internship has begun and I've met such amazing people that I knew of but never really got to know. I'm very thankful for such interactions. I've suddenly started believing in intuition, when I meet people I just know when there's some kind of connection and sometimes that connection remains dormant until the time is right and takes full power when the time for it comes. I've noticed this with a couple of people who take center-stage much after I've met them and felt like the connect. 
Also, my teaching at Make a Difference has made me fall in love with the privilege of opening minds and showing them possibilities. The transition between student to teacher and teacher to student was omnipresent for the past few years. Now, I'm taking up an opportunity to be a Teaching Assistant for Second Year students in my college. These were the same kids that we'd guided through the Introductory workshop last year, they are full of energy, excitement and eagerness to do. I thoroughly enjoyed the workshop last year and this year with them promises to be wonderful.
So life's a bunch of concentric spirals and I think the smallest one is in the process of being completed. The travels and travails are in the background while feelings and experiences take the spot light which is the only place where my real awareness lies.

So leaving here for now, emptying half my heart,

predicting the end, at the point of start.


PS: Read: Why Men Won't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, Barbara and Allan Pease. 

Fun read, albeit slightly sexist but read with more than a pinch of salt. 

Listen: Into the Dust, Mazzy Star. Perfect rainy day song. 

Some of the thesis work,
range of feelings and spaces
that might inspire the same.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Value the empty to value the full, fully

Life is going past me in the form of relentless days and nights.
The universe is on it's own insolent schedule.
Weather inspires a throat full of knots.
All my occupation is of distraction, all I'm doing is so that I don't have to do what I ought to.

I have reached an impasse.
I need some distance but how does one swim in the water of a half-empty glass.

That man, in that black box has left without any trace and nobody knows he exists and I'm starting to wonder if I've been crazy all this while.

PS: Random rambles are back, I've been keeping myself busy with some birthday prep for a loved one, fingers are crossed, hope I won't have to look away this time.

Listen: 'Keh ke lunga' by Amit Trivedi and Sneha Khanwalkar from Gangs of Wasseypur II

Saturday, August 4, 2012

When the world skipped a beat and I was the only one who noticed

It was like the inevitable outcome of a wait.
A baby is born at the end of 9 months.
There is wakefulness after sleep and day after night.
You finish what you have started to do or leave it mid-way.
Time moves and the evidence is in closure.

It was one of those things you are promised will happen at the end.
But this was different.
There was the wait and the faith.
Patience for the end, for the "at last".

It didn't happen, it didn't come, there was no end, there was no outcome, there was no baby at the end of labor, no day after night.
And everything moved on just the same. 
Nobody looked surprised or perturbed at the very least.
It was as though nothing was wrong.
Time conveniently skipped an end and everyone was fooled.
It was dream-like. 
Talking to someone you burned yesterday.

It was as though I was the only one who knew what happened.
Nobody believed me. 
This unnatural turn of events went unnoticed.
There was a time when I believed that gaining was the outcome of yearning.
I was proven wrong.

Time still deceives and skips and turns and loops over and over and over again on itself. Well played.

Listen: Cokestudio season 2 mixes, especially 'Yaatra' and 'Badri Badariya' from the Amit Trivedi episode and 'Dungar' from the Clinton Cerejo episode.

Read: Blind willow, sleeping woman by Haruki Murakami, made me want to write again :)

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


Through all the inordinate, jumbled mass of words,
 Like an unnecessary splatter of amateur murder blood,
 I lie scattered, inarticulate, wearing a fresh coat of dust.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Am I Dreaming?

Starry moonlit sky
As the holy waters go by

Thoughts of mind
Body of an aural kind

And you, my only way
To know what is true; and what seems astray

Jading my unconsciousness are you,
Totemic, earth-believer

Listen: 'Sacred Science' from the collaboration of Karsh Kale, Baiju and Harigovindan.

Friday, October 28, 2011

How I stopped getting kissed, getting wild and still got a life

Linearity is a lot of fun afterall :)
The last two months have been about prioritizing incessantly and cutting out the variables in my course of existence. Also i tried very hard to feel fully and let all the craziness take over life. Yes, its been bad. A lot of psychological trouble manifests physically i've noticed. But its all good in the end. This experiment has yielded wonderful results although I still remain in search and yearning for all my loving.
I love sabbaticals, this holiday has reinforced that is new way of life seems to work pretty well for me. Somebody once told me that the most boring way to live was to be bouncing along safely in the middle of the apparent crests and troughs. Most of which I used to think are mental make-ups. There's a lot of drama to live and I love it. Besides, now I feel like an Architect, the internship helped clear a lot of dread about wanting to admit that I am an Architect, there I said it. Phew.
I am also a Teacher, I miss my kids at Make a Difference. I'm trying my very best to help them explore all the ways that they can learn best. So far, its been really good. Children are imperceptibly passive learners and to understand that is the greatest joy because no matter what we do in class; they are taken something back each time even if it is the tiniest thing.

Meanwhile, I've found some beautiful new music and literature too.
Zeb and Haniya are Pakistani artists who make soft rock-blues-jazz-alternative-ish music. The vocals are simply inspiring.

Listen: Aitebaar from their album Chup

Happy Diwali :)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Juvenile delinquent

Stupid silly
Silly ridiculous
Ridiculous shame
Shame hurt
Hurt pain
Pain anger
Anger disappointment
Disappointment expectation
Expectation unlawful
Unlawful bastard
Bastard love
Love stupid
Stupid silly

PS: Victoria by John Mayer

Happy Ganpati